She looked in my eyes,
My loins ached, my breath came short
I didn’t know what to do
Not with my eyes,
Or my hands,
Or my aching heart.
The sun rose when she smiled at me,
And set when she looked away;
I knew what I wanted to do
With my hands
With my lips
With my aching heart.
She laughed a laugh so warm and low,
So full of mystery and promise
That the world stopped in its tracks,
In that moment
I knew what to do.
I filled my eyes with her beauty,
My hands with her softness,
My lips with her taste,
My nose with her scent,
My loins with her heat
And my aching heart ached no more.
2 comments:
All in all there is some portions to recommend this piece of poetry. Some of the verbiage and pictures presented are well done,
"The sun rose when she smiled at me, And set when she looked away"
But the repetitive use of the word loins is cliche. While not necessary to use graphic words it is necessary to use one that communicate with todays audience. "My sex" My beauty" etc. Loins reminds me of something I eat not encourage physical play with.
All in all it makes me think of so many teen angst poems that were written over the ages. Sylvia Plath not withstanding I find this piece a bit tedious and the end to predictable. While the narrators voice is not well defined until the end where she says her loins are filled by her, it speaks of a more mature person writing this but not one used to writing poetry.
I was hoping that someone who knew about writing would comment on it so that I could show it to the girl who said she "loved it"! As i said, I didn't think it was very good. Thanks for confirming my opinion!
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